My Trip to NYC: Part 1

I recently got this article from a good friend of mine (I don't read Vanity Fair). Written by well known and controversial opinionist Maureen Dowd. She wrote about her trip to Saudi Arabia. So I decided to write my own review about my trip to New York City.


I finally disembark from the long flight arriving into JFK from Geneva. I’m tired, sleepy, grumpy, but I’m excited to finally get to see the city sung about by the likes of Frank Sinatra. New York City here I come!

As soon as I step off the plane, I’m greeted with a warm and loving “Sir, would you step this way please”.

It seems I was randomly chosen by a computer program to be searched. Well, as long as it was random. Out of the 300+ passengers on the flight, I was the only Saudi, Arab even, on the flight, and now I’m the only one being randomly searched. Something tells me this random selection isn’t so random. Nothing makes you feel more welcome into a country than being greeted by the sound of a rubber glove being snapped on and the voice of a man saying “This won’t hurt one bit”.

Six hours and several split personalities later, I exit the airport to meet my friend who has kindly taken it upon himself to show me the sights and sounds of NYC. I look around but can’t seem to find him in the throng of people running around talking to themselves on their Bluetooth headsets and running into trash cans because they were so consumed with typing that ever so important e-mail on their blackberries. I call him up and he tells me he’s waiting for me outside.
As soon as I step outside the doors (after the initial wave of nausea from the extreme pollution) I hear the blaring of a car horn. My friend is waiting for me in a massive GMC Suburban. He’s at least 3 times bigger than I last remember him from my childhood, most of the size concentrated in the waistline. The American mantra, bigger is always better. I pack up my luggage while he waits in driver seat, and hop in and he greets me in a way indicative of how long it has been since we last saw each other.

“Hi”

As he takes me around I ask him to show me the sights of NYC. First stop, Central Park. He stops the car in front of the gate and tells me to call him when I’m done.

“You’re not coming with me?”

“I don’t do so well with walking.” He says as he lovingly pats his belly.

My first impression was that people were so very relaxed here in Central Park. I sit down on a park bench and kind looking old man sits down beside me and he strikes up a conversation with me.

“You ain’t from around here” He said in a matter of fact kind of way.

“No I’m not.” I replied with a smile.

“Could you do me favor please?”

“Of course just name it.”

“When your ship arrives, would you take me with you to your planet?”

“Excuse me?”

“We need to escape from Earth before Planet X crashes into it and we all die”

“Umm. Sure. I have to go.” As I calmly stand up and start to walk away.

“I’ll be here waiting for you!! Just beam me up whenever you can!!” He yells at me as I hurry away.

I find a police officer riding a horse. I stop him and point out the clearly crazy person sitting on the bench waiting for me.

“Excuse me Officer, that man clearly needs some medical help.”

“You ain’t from around here are you?”

“No, I’m not”

“Don’t worry about him. That’s old man Crowbar. He’s harmless.”

“I understand Officer, but he clearly needs some sort of psychiatric help”

“Leave him alone, he won’t bother you. You should be leaving also.”

“Why is that?”

“It’s not safe around here after dark”

“What happens after dark? Vampires? Werewolves?”

He gives me a look of someone who’s finally met a real crazy person, as opposed to the sane man still sitting on the bench talking to his leg.

“They’ll mug you for your shoes around here after dark”

“My shoes?!? Is there a shoe shortage in the U.S.? Are shoes a valuable commodity now? I
heard about the sub-prime mortgages, but the news never mentioned the national shoe crisis.”

“Move along now!”

I thank the ever so helpful officer and continue down the path. As I make my way back to where I would meet my friend, I pass by campers settling in for the night. As I get closer, I notice that they light their campfires in big metal drums (for the obvious safety reasons), and they cover themselves in newspapers (Maybe newspaper conserves heat better than wool).

I get finally reach my friends car, and we make our way back to my hotel. Not the best start to my vacation, but I’m sure tomorrow will be better. I still have a lot to see in NYC.

A Consultants Life for Me

Inspired by the misery of a co-worker of mine :)

Been working on it since two
I squeezed out every ounce of wit
My laptop decided to restart
Unsaved data gone, the little !@#$

What am I to do now
I feel like a shooting gallery duck
I'm gonna pull an all nighter
because of that stupid little !@#$

It's getting late now
My eyes are starting to twitch
My laptop ruined my life
I blame Bill Gates, that little !@#$%

I'll pass this little test
and i'll find the greener grass
So to all the programmers of powerpoint
You can all kiss my !@#

Only Human

He gave me my eyes

To witness all the wonder

I used them for guidance

As i stole and tore asunder

I'm only human

He gave me my ears

To hear the worlds needs

I listened as misery's victim

Cried, as on her she feeds

I'm only human

He gave me my touch

To share the warmth within

I touched what wasn't mine

To feed my desire for sin

I'm only human

He gave me my taste

To enjoy my desire

I ate my fair share

Along with everything i could acquire

I'm only human

He gave me my nose

To smell the flowers he created

I smell the fires of war

Burning unabated

I'm only human

He gave me my mind

To think on my own

He gave me a heart

That wasn't made of stone

To help another human

When they need me the most

Thats why I was put here

To banish the evil ghosts

I'm more than just a human