The Alphabet for Saudis

The Alphabet for Saudis

Now i know many of you are thinking "This is a chain mail in the making", but rest assured that this is not a chain mail (i seriously doubt any sane person will forward this). This is simply a lame attempt at humor, so please take it as such. I hope you get a laugh out of it.

A is for Argumentative:
No Saudi would be complete without the typical I know what i'm talking about and you don't know crap. Whether he's 7 or 70 this is the chance we all wait for, the chance to prove that everyone around you is a dumbass. Come to think of it, this list is fits under this criteria, because all you idiots couldn't see these points. I mean COME ON !!! it's so obvious.

B is for Bureaucracy:
Bureaucracy as defined is the collective organizational structure, procedures, protocols and set of regulations in place to manage activity. Queue maids and drivers please! All men, women and children are bureaucrats in this country. Kind of makes you wonder why we have such lousy politicians since they've had practice since the day they were born.

C is for Cars:
The more the better. Carbon emissions, phooey! Ozone layer, bah! Global warming, hey we don't live in Siberia, we can handle a few more degrees. It's well known fact that guys with Hummers are overcompensating for something (you know it's true). So what does having a car for every day of the week mean? Well I have a theory. We are descended from nomads. For nomads the sign of wealth was camels and sheep. The more you had, the higher your social status was. Who said we don't adapt ?

D is for Diplomacy
Not exactly. What we imagine to be diplomacy and what it actually is, is kind of like comparing chickens to say the Saudi National team. One runs around a field chasing after anything that moves while bumping into each other while not achieving much, and the other is ... err ... ok that was a bad example. Our form of diplomacy usually gives way early on to point A and after that point E comes into play and then finally falls back on point C until you either fall into a coma or your brain melts. Either way it's a wonderful relief.

E is for Ego
If you don't believe this problem exists, then congratulations, you fit here.

F is for Fashion
In a country where guys look like ghosts and girls look like ninjas, you would think that fashion doesn't really play a large part. Well, you think wrong!! Fashion comes in many forms here :
1. No one can see it, but I know it's there
2. No one can see what i'm wearing so i'll make your eyes bleed with my bling
3. These shoes are 2 sizes too small, but fashionable and comfortable are not the same thing.
4. This hair style cost me a months salary, but I just throw this head scarf ever so casually on my shoulders so you know i'm modest about it.
5. I probably won't wear any of the 25 pieces i just purchased, but it's fashionable to have your arms full as you leave the mall.
6. I bought this handbag that I can't afford to carry the credit bill I can't pay and the tissues I'm going cry into to con my Father/Husband/Mother/Brother/Sister into bailing me out.
7. SALE?? ... Where?? ... SPARTTAAA!!!!

G is for Grumbling:
The absolute best comeback to anything.

Wife: Can you take me shopping today?
Husband: Grumble grumble

Son: I got a D on my exam.
Father Grumble grumble

Lady: Make an illegal U-turn here and then go across the busy intersection and park behind that car blocking it off. Don't worry, we'll be back in 5 hours.
Driver: Grumble Grumble

H is for History:
What do you mean you won't let me in? Do you know who my Father is??
Muslims ruled the half the world once.
Arabs invented Astronomy.
Now the only thing we can do is give ourselves indigestion. We live so far in the past, it will take centuries just to get ourselves to the present, at which point the present will have become centuries old.

I is for Invention
Of which we have none. The world is populated by people who are constantly trying to invent new things. For example, the automatic toilet seat cover, or pokemon. Our genius comes in the form of inventing ways of interpreting other peoples inventions and making them seem like they are against our society (remember the Coca Cola logo). Now if only we could harness this genius into something more productive like real x-ray glasses, or an invisibility spray :)

J is for Jakarta
Where most of our population comes from (ouch that was mean)

K is for Kisses
For the love and decency of everything that is sacred to you in this world. If you walk into a crowded room PLEASE don't kiss everyone and take 30 minutes of my life. If you really, absolutely MUST kiss, then please don't make those loud smooching sounds, and take a few minutes to shave. I don't need to be sandpapered and deafened at the same time. One form of torture is more than enough.

L is for Lanes
Those dashes on the road, the government painted them there for a reason. Also, trying to go fast enough that they look like one solid line is not what they're designed for.

M is for Mobile Phones:
Notice I used the plural form. No decent person would carry just ONE phone because nothing shows just how busy you are then not answering BOTH your phones. While we're on the subject, during the time it took me to write this list my phone went out of fashion, I need to go buy the new latest phone with the camera, wifi, bluetooth, gps, radio, flashlight, lighter, lockpick and wooden stick (for when you really need to poke someone).

N is for Necromancy
I don't mean literally resurrecting the dead, but we do have the habit of bringing up dead issues. Remember 20 years ago when you said that I looked like Big Bird on steroids, yeah I still remember it!! Good luck trying to sort that out.

O is for Obedience
We expect utter and total obedience from our slav err i mean people. From the time you're born you have to obey your parents, school teachers, college professors, bosses, wives/husbands, roles & responsibilities, SOP's, contracts, agreements and don't think that this goes both ways. Be prepared to get screwed over when it's actually time for you to get your dues.

P is for Pessimism
Where do I start with this one. Forget it, i'm not gonna even try, this is hopeless, nobody is going to read this anyways. (you get the point)

Q is for Quotes
If knowledge is power, then having !@#$ load of quotes is the ultimate WMD. Losing an argument, never fear I'm gonna hit you with an ancient quote that has no relevance to the topic at hand, but just shows you that I can. It's the equivalent of having a shotgun and firing it in the air, it doesn't do anything more than just make a loud sound, but it works well to get peoples attention. Unfortunately the reaction is most likely "what the !@#$ is he doing?"

R is for Regret
The typical threat when all else fails. If you do this, i'm going to make you regret it.

S is for Spelling
I don't know how many times i've tried to help people realize the difference between "right" and "write". "Replay" is what happens after a team scores a goal, while "reply" is what you do to an e-mail . "Yourselfs" is not a word, and the next person that sends me an e-mail that opens with "Deer" is going to get tied to my bumper and dragged down Tahlia street.

T is for Tea
Nothing gets you going in the morning better than that small cup of lipton-y goodness. We're not barbarians, how can you expect anyone to start producing without first guzzling down a whole litre of red gold. If you happen to be one of those early morning people that likes to get their work done before the crowds, then maybe you should find another job. Preferably something in the 15th century you freaking caveman!!

U is for Underwear
Guys, it's called underwear because it supposed to be under what you're wearing. The mall, supermarket, street, and gas station are not the appropriate place to be out in your underwear. Yes, I know our underwear is more like a track suit, but you might as well be in your tighty whities for all we care. Is it really that difficult to throw on a thobe?

V is for Video Games
Now I have nothing against video games, far from it, I'm an avid gamer, but my point is stop creating conspiracy theories about video games. Video games will not turn you into a mass murderer, zombie, or a failure. It will not cause cancer, brain mutations, or pimples. Geeks and Nerds will rule the Earth, get over it. When you finally do get over it, you can come over for a nice round of guitar hero.

W is for Wasta
He may be your third cousins nephews son-in-law, but he's still family. Qualifications don't count in this case. He should get the best treatment that your abuse of your position can provide. If people get angry about your showing favoritism, then thats even better. What better way to show your sensitive caring side then by getting a total dumbass relative the job some poor slob has been working for the last 15 years.

X is for Xenophobe
It's the only word i know that starts with an X. So umm ... don't be afraid of aliens you chickens!!!

Y is for Yeti
Sorry, couldn't think of anything for Y either. So err ... bigfoots don't exist, so relax.

Z is for Zis
When you are speaking English, please make sure you pronounce words correctly. Zis is not za right way to speak to someone. Zey become fery annoyed and might possibly punch you in za face.